I write a directionless wordvomit in my MacBook notes app every week or so. Ritual, or something. I think about posting it on substack but I don’t post it on substack because the idea of writing with same veneer of performance of another social media platform makes me scared. I am thinking that I'm going to post this on my neocities.

I absorb whatever writing style of the book I'm currently reading. I just finished Nevada by Imogen Binnie, which I felt ambiguous about. I'm sick of reading modern/contemporary literature that ends halfway through the story as some kind of doomer subversive "message" or whatever that real life isn't conclusive. It's not real life! It's the book I’ve given 6-8 hours of my one-on-one intimate time! That's more time than I’ve hung out one-on-one with some people I consider friends!

I think it especially pissed me off because I just finished Infinite Jest, and that was far far more than just 6-8 hours of my intimate one-on-one time, and I sat through hundreds of pages and footnotes of menial detail on how every character at the Enfield Tennis Academy spends their Saturday mornings, and then it just ends. And I figure somehow it’s my fault for skimming the footnotes towards the last 200 pages that I don’t know how any of the characters end up other than Gately (my theory is that he dies). But I look it up and nooo it’s supposed to be "a circular story" or whatever and there is no real ending. Okkkkkkkk

I think my frustration with Nevada too is that the main character, Marie, was just starting to grow on me. Seeing her stripped of context of being a self-deprecating Brooklyn SJW hipster made me feel really partial to her, and then just as that happened the book ends on an inconclusive doomer non-ending. And yea, maybe that kid won't transition till he hits some kind of worse rock bottom, and that’s life, or whatever. But where is my girl Marie!!!!! Last we saw her she was having fun!!

I guess the point for Nevada in particular is to be frustrating. It’s about how people are stuck. In my mid-twenties (eek…) I can see that really clearly in a lot of people around me in all kinds of different ways, especially with the state of the world, the state of art, the state of America. And I don’t know how to help if someone's really stuck. I don't think reading Nevada helped me get any further on that question at all. Maybe I'm stuck in ways I’m oblivious to that other people can see right away.

I just wanna read a book with a happy ending!!!


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