In the phase between work responsibilities where weekdays make me feel listless and depressed. I know once I dive into another project, or go out again, everything will get back to normal. I’m planning on starting production on a trailer for Lindsey soon, and we have plans this weekend to meet up with some friends. I also hope to go into the mountains sometime next week with Zoe! Ticket fees for a national park I’ve been meaning to check out are 20rmb cheaper once November ends. Hopefully we don’t get snowed in >A< but, like I said, it’s been quite warm here.
I’ve been re-evaluating how the first 16-18 years of my life were characterized of being deathly afraid of white girls. Not all white girls, but most of them. The ones with EOS chapstick and Vera Bradly pencil cases and moms who all inexplicably knew each other. Maybe WASPs would be the proper term? Though there were probably a couple of Irish Catholics in the mix.
In my hometown, it felt like they got some sort of cheat code, or tutorial guide, that I didn’t. With it, they held the divine gavel that deemed me normal passable human being or freakazoid beast. I was walking around elementary school with anxiety levels of a prey animal. Cursing every faux pax, mis-step, outfit decision. Although, I guess this is how a lot of people feel about middle school.
To be fair, my Chinese mom was definitely pointed out as something ‘different’ that people had free reign to make fun of—whether it be my lunch, her accent, us eating dogs, how she ‘cut apples weird’ when she volunteered in the cafeteria. It wasn’t targeted bullying, but just my Asian-ness being the occasional butt of a joke that I had to laugh along with. But this may have imbued me a permanent victim complex mentality, that every (spiritually) WASPy white girl that I couldn’t get the full validation from was laughing at me behind my back in some Twilight Zone platonic hive mind (spiritually) WASPy white girls shared.
Now that I’m 25, my brain is done cooking, I found my worth, yada yada, it’s hard to not feel resentment towards every white person I’ve bent over backwards trying to make like me. Some nights I feel like Arya Stark. I don’t want to harbor that negativity, though, and wind up writing a controversial Substack about a TikTok about hating on white people in asian grocery stores. That being said, I have a LOT of thoughts on said Substack/TikTok, but I’m saving them for a more creative outlet.
THAT being said… I have a great idea for a live action show, so if anyone is reading this in Hollywood PLEASE let me pitch my pilot to you I think it will be very topical and I know that I have never made a live action thing before but I can be very funny and can storyboard. Please don’t make me have to do Instagram reels standup comedy to get an opportunity.
This went everywhere lol byeee
